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One of the pleasures of moving into a steady relationship with a guy is that you can finally let your guard down about your appearance and not worry about looking model-perfect a hundred percent of the time. If one night you feel like slipping into a comfy pair of flannel pojornos, you [ust do it. You know he’s not going to be horrified. In fact, he may even compliment you on how cute you look in your little jimmies. Over time you become less rigid about other matters, too.
You skip makeup when you feel like it, don’t shave your legs every day, wear sweats around the house at night even if he’s at your place, and on days when, as one of my editors once said, your butt needs a hug, you go so far as to pull on a pair of granny panties. It’s terrific to feel secure enough about yourself and your relationship that you don’t always have to be glammed up. Over time you may even find yourself in sweats more often than not.
Here’s the problem, though, guys just don’t like it when you fall too far into a comfort zone about your appearance. This is one of the top dating advice I could ever give. They want you to look nice, dress nice, smell nice, and feel nice, too [soft skin, no prickly leg hair) much of the time. When you continually let things slide, he notices-and minds. You may be thinking how wonderful it is not to be a freaking slave to your looks around him, but he’s bummed. As a guy once mournfully asked when we interviewed him for a relationship article: “Who kidnapped my sexy kitten?”
One factor at the root of this issue is that men are visual creatures and become aroused by visual stimuli. As psychologist Stan Laurens says, “The way you look and dress will always be a driving force in a man’s attraction to you.” Think about when the two of you met. You probably couldn’t miss the fact that his eyes were glued to your legs or your boobs or your face or all of the above. On your early dates, he probably said things like “You smell so good,” or “You have great hair,” or “I love that dress.” Not exactly Wordsworth, but intoxicating nonetheless. And you loved the fact that he was riveted by your appearance and told you so.
Remove that fabulous visual stimulation, however, and you’re taking away something that he craves and that fuels his arousal. Also, he may be bummed that you don’t seem to be going to any effort anymore. So why did he mislead you by telling you that he loved you in those flannel or that he thought your hair looked so cute in a ponytail? Maybe because the novelty intrigued him initially- it added an element of surprise to the visual stimulation. And why doesn’t he speak up when he starts to have a problem?
Reason: because guys are famous for leaving well enough alone. He may drop a few hints, but otherwise he’ll avoid racking the boat. He may not even consciously realize how much your new low-maintenance routine is bugging him.
Which brings us back to the mlm topic!
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